The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Moray Barber, Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Struan Metcalfe, Conservative MP for Aberdeenshire North West and Surrounding Nether Regions
I would like to apologise for all the offence, harm and upset caused by my colleagues on the front bench. I would LIKE to apologise. Honestly, I would – it might stop people being so cross with me on Twitter – but I can’t.
I could say that I am sorry, but it wouldn’t be true, any more than if I said Cruella Braverman has a softer side, or that I’ve ever seen Jeremy Hunt’s smile reach his eyes.
And as for the allegations that Dominic Raab-to-the-Bone is a bully? Look here, bullying is part of life (you should see my DMs!) and he really shouldn’t be pulled up for getting a bit shouty with some civil servants or aggressively plucking cherry tomatoes out of his lunchtime salad and launching them into la poubelle.
Could have been worse… He could have shouted at the bin then thrown the tomatoes at a civil servant! We’ve all done it.
As Head Boy Jacob Rees-Mogg put it, it’s important we don’t get too snowflakey about this. And JRM should know, he was bullied mercilessly at Eton (of course he was – can you imagine a bigger spod?) and it didn’t do him any harm, did it? Totally and completely normal.
And the whole Nadhim Zahawi tax furore? I ask you, who hasn’t forgotten to disclose that they are being investigated by HMRC for owing £3 million in tax when they were the Chief Taxman?
It’s all work related. He was “on the tools” and busy with really important things like threatening journalists with legal action for reporting on his tax affairs.
Give Nadhim a break. Who hasn’t carelessly failed to disclose the odd £20 million of capital gains? Last night, I forgot to send my weekly anonymous pic to Carol Vorderman. We’re all of us only human.
So, let me be clear – carelessness doesn’t make one a bad person, and getting caught doesn’t make us say sorry. Nothing does.
Davinia Smythe-Barett, ordinary mum
I’m not one to complain about the marvellous job our hardworking teachers do under difficult conditions, and I unconditionally support their right to withdraw their labour as a means of pursuing improved pay and conditions.
But, really, Wednesday was a nightmare with the kids at home, wasn’t it? It’s almost as if no one considered the impact on ordinary mums.
We couldn’t just call it off, it wouldn’t have been fair on the poor, beleaguered hospitality industry, reliant as it is on our regular mass order of prosecco and lemon drizzle cake
I had to chug out in the four-by-four to a simply charming little eco cafe in Udny Green for a very important mid-morning meet up with all the girls from the Kingswells Mums for Direct Action on Climate Change WhatsApp group (admin – moi!). We couldn’t just call it off, it wouldn’t have been fair on the poor, beleaguered hospitality industry, reliant as it is on our regular mass order of prosecco and lemon drizzle cake.
So, I thank the Lord that our au pair, Snezanha, (she’s Bulgarian but she’s marvellous) looked after Emmeline and Fidel while I was out. It should have been her day off, but, selfless trooper that she is, she came in regardless, once I’d clarified that she would have been sacked otherwise.
I’m proud to say that Emmeline was very politically engaged about it all, and wanted to know if the strikes were a systemic issue caused by a failing globalist society’s inability to treat workers as human beings with dignity, rather than as an exploitable resource.
Sadly, Snezanha’s English wasn’t quite up to answering that, but she did her best, with some very fast Bulgarian and some vigorous gesturing in my direction. What a treasure.
Of course, our household is typical, in that we do have a range of opinions on it all – my husband Milo is far less forgiving about the whole situation. He pointed out on our weekly Zoom call that there just isn’t enough money in the public purse to give everyone the pay rises they want.
It seems so unfair, but we all have our crosses to bear. For us, of course, it’s that Milo can’t be with us, but has to remain in Belize for tax reasons.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose red cards never needed a VAR check
Old Kenny called it! My regulatory readers will have seen my psychotic prediction of Aberdeen’s 6-0 encapsulation against the Hibees on Saturday.
Despite that humidification, I had a good weekend, because I had enough courage in my convections to stick £20 on a 6-0 final score. Every silver cloud has a lining, I suppose.
The Easter Road spanking, of course, means Jim Badloss has been given his jotters and, once again, the Pittodrie dugout has a vagrancy.
Old Kenny is considering throwing his ring into the hat, but, for the time being, Dons walmart Barry Robson has been announced as the in-trim manager. Fair play to Robbo – since he retired, he has certainly kept his self in shape.
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