Starting a new hobby, course or anything else that might exercise the old grey matter is a great step forward for everyone, writes Iain Maciver.
Right, we have finally got rid of boring, dry January. Is it me or were there more than 31 arid days?
It is time now to think about the priorities for the coming year. Surviving the cost-of-living crisis and waiting for the next prime minister to be installed in Number 10 will help pass the time for a few weeks, but I must have other goals.
Expanding my own mind is something I must do sooner rather than later. I think I will have to take up an educational course or something to exercise the old grey matter. I think that is important at any age. It may as well be now.
Mrs X also says I must be more romantic. So, I am also going to be more attentive to her. I think I need to make some big gesture to impress her. After all, it’s Valentine’s Day next week – that will be the perfect opportunity.
Remind me to order flowers or chocolates or something. No, it has to be a grander expression of love and all that jazz. It’ll come to me.
Meanwhile, I must say hello to Peter. He has taken the plunge and decided to take up something musical and do it really seriously. He has been learning the fiddle, and is now looking to do it professionally.
Peter was on a course in Glasgow for a week, which was attended by many other aspiring musicians. It was also a chance for him to meet new people. Good for him.
On the final evening, the students and lecturers all had dinner together, and Peter was sat next to a very popular lass. He noticed people referred to her as Vivaldi. To break the ice, Peter said: “Your name is Vivaldi? He was a great violinist and writer of concertos. He wrote The Four Seasons, didn’t he? I bet you’re a very fine violinist, too, to be named after him.”
She says: “Naw, pal. It’s cos my name is Viv and I work in Aldi.” Oops.
Don’t teach – make them think
My former neighbour, Ronnie, has also decided to broaden his mind. Last year, he started a college course in philosophy. Nice one.
He was telling me his initial classes were all about Socrates: one of the most famous philosophers and teachers of all time. Apparently, Socrates said: “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think.” So, everyone on Ronnie’s course has been learning to think.
So much so that, in the college toilets, one of the lecturers placed a sign directly above the wash hand basins. It had a single word on it: “Think”.
The next day, when he went to the toilet, Ronnie saw the sign and, right below, just above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully placed another sign which read: “Thoap”.
Travel also broadens the mind, they say. So, we must save up and travel more. But, I’ve been told about two guys from Harris who went for a wee break to Inverness recently.
Before they left, a neighbour gave them advice: “Watch them city taxi drivers. They’ll rob you blind if they think you don’t know the area. Don’t go paying them what they ask. Remember to haggle.”
At Inverness airport, the Hearachs caught a cab to their city centre hotel. When they reached it, the cabbie said: “That’ll be £20, lads.”
“Oh no, it won’t. We were warned about you. You’ll only be getting £15 from me,” says one of the men. “Aye, and you’ll only get £15 from me an’ all,” adds the other.
Romance is in the air (and on the TV)
The other thing that I have promised myself is to be more choosy over which TV programmes I watch on the box. No point in flopping and watching any old nonsense.
After giving it a mention a couple of weeks ago, a lot of people have said they love watching An Clò Mòr, that new Gaelic drama series set in a Harris Tweed mill.
It is a bit controversial because of those love scenes. It was all tastefully done. So, I am glad it seems I have turned a lot of people on to that programme. (I would have enjoyed writing that last sentence much more if I was brave enough to leave out the last three words.)
Now, is there anything else I have left out? Ah, you are thinking that I have still failed to make plans for doing anything romantic as a gesture for Valentine’s Day next week.
That, my friend, is where you are very wrong. I have just got off the phone after booking a table for the two of us.
Just Mrs X and I doing our own thing, on our own. It will be wonderful. I just hope she still remembers how to play snooker.
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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