The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Tanya Souter, Aberdeen’s lifestyle guru
I da ken about youse, but I wiz amazed tae hear that the Cabinet Office his banned government officials fae haein TikTok on their phones. I mean, fit are fowk in government daein farting aboot wi’ TikTok in the first place?
Diz the chancellor o’ the Exchequer and popular rhyming slang Jeremy Hunt ging intae the lavvies at the Hoose o’ Commons and record wee videos o’ himself lip-syncing tae Dua Lipa?
Diz the secretary o’ state for Scotland post dunce routines using the handle @Alister-Jack-Ya-Body?
Is Cruella Braverman addicted tae watching clips o’ puppies daen the funniest things, files she imagines fit they’d look like as a hat?
Obviously, Michael Gove must use it learn foo tae throw shapes. We a’ ken he likes a boogie, especially onyb’dy fa spilt their drinks trying tae dodge him in Club Tropicana the ither wik.
They say the move is doon tae security concerns, ‘cause the social media platform is pairt-owned by the Chinese Government, but I think we a’ ken the truth. Rishi Sunak is trying tae get his MPs tae stop footering aboot, watching nonsense on their phones instead o’ daein ony work.
We already hid ‘at scundal wi’ the Tory backbencher fa wiz watching highly specialised tractor videos, we’ve a’ seen the state o’ Matt Hancock’s WhatsApps, and fa kens foo mony ithers are lounging about playing Candy Crush or chatting guff? Ony parent fa his tried tae get their kids aff devices lang enough tae brush their teeth and pit their shoes and coats on kens fit I’m spikken aboot.
If the UK Government’s on TikTok, nithin else is getting daen. ‘At’ll be fit wye naen o’ them kens the answers tae ony o’ Victoria Derbyshire’s questions.
I seen that a few o’ them is planning tae defy the ban. The minister currently known as Grant Shapps says “the show goes on”, and is nae gaan tae be deleting TikTok fae his own phone, even if the app is banned fae government devices.
I suppose at’s fair enough. His phone shouldna be naewye near the business o’ government. Much like its owner.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the sports columnist who’s not afraid to slice it into the rough
Now that the BBC has closed Linekergate by unsuspending him, and Match of the Day will be returned to its full running time this weekend – with Gary, the nation’s sweetmeat, back in the hotspot – I know Old Kenny won’t be the only one what is delighted that things will be back to normal.
When the 20-minute, no-theme-tune, no-commentators, no-analysis episode of MOTD aired last week, the BBC was setting a dangerous precipice.
My Melody says to me, she says: “Match of the Day done and dusted in 20 minutes? This could catch on, Kenny! Now we can watch something together”, and we seen an episode of “Grey’s Astronomy” (which is like Holby City, but all the doctors and patients is related to each other). Desperate times.
Football without no commentators and pundits just wasn’t not the same, was it not? For starters, if it wasn’t for the commentators, I wouldn’t not have no idea how to pronounce the names of a lot of overseas players, like Hakim Ziyech, Gabriel Martinelli or Fred. And, without the pundits, how would we know which defenders had played like a diddy every week and need to be dropped from our Fantasy League teams?
After a surreal few days, I’m delighted that we have navigated a way through this. I want to thank you all for the incredible support, particularly my colleagues at BBC Sport, for the remarkable show of solidarity. Football is a team game but their backing was overwhelming. 1/4
— Gary Lineker 💙💛 (@GaryLineker) March 13, 2023
But, just as order is restored in football, it’s time for another sport to follow in its footstools in the controverbial steaks. The world of golf is in turtle and, for once, it’s not about all these LIV golfers and their ill-gotten canes.
Apparently, the bigwigs is thinking of making the pros play with a special ball what stops them hitting it so far. Unsurprisingly, the players aren’t too keen on the plan. I can just see Rory McIlroy teeing up on the first at Augusta with his £2,500 driver and a Penfold Commando!
It’s got Old Kenny thinking, though, of the other ways that technomoligical innovations has changed sport, and wondering if things wouldn’t not be better, and fairer for everyone, if they could be reversed, so that everyone used the same rubbish kit.
All that high-tech gear the swimmers wear now could be replaced with stripy, woollen Victorian bathing suits, Ronnie O’Sullivan’s snooker cue could be swapped out for a broom handle, and I, for one, would love to have seen Usain Bolt and all the other sprinters running the Olympic 100m final in their gymmies.
Conversation