The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
View From The Midden with Jock Alexander
It’s been a perfidious wik in the village, due tae the recurrence o’ an auld fairming injury – I took a heider coming hame fae the boozer in the dark and landed in the drainage ditch in my lower field.
Again, I hiv been laid up a’ wik wi’ nithin but daytime TV for company. And, let me tell you, onything fit stairts wi’ Lorraine Kelly but finishes wi’ Richard Madeley is gaan doonhill even faster than I wis fa I rolled intae yon ditch.
‘At wis bad eneuch, but imagine my horror on Widinsday, fan I found masel wi’ remote control jist oot o reach and Boris’s Privileges Committee grilling live on the TV a’ aifterneen.
And so, jist fan ab’dy thocht we’d seen the back o’ the gype, there he wiz again, hauled afore MPs to explain if he’d leed to parliament fan said he hidna kent he’d broken the rules. Fit wiz aifter he’d leed and said he hidnae broke the rules tae begin wi’.
So, did he lee? I’m nae convinced it really needed four oors o’ live TV, 10 months o’ evidence gaithering and £220,000 fae the taxpeyer tae pay for his lawyers tae answer at een. I’ve got coos fa could answer at een. In fact, they could sum up the hale business by daein their ain business. ‘At wid hiv been quicker than Boris’s evidence, and less likely tae mak ye cowk
Efter sweering on a King James Bible that he wid tell the truth (cause it’s ayewis a guid idea tae stairt wi’ a big laugh), the gloves wiz aff.
It turns oot, according tae him, that a’ the boozy partying they did at Number 10 files the rest of us had tae let wir relatives die alane wiz “essential” for work purposes. Oh, and the committee fit wiz grilling him wiz clearly biased, and they could only show they wisnae biased by letting him aff.
There might hiv been mair tae it than that. I winna lee, I did drap aff a few times files watching, thanks tae the soporific effects o’ a yon Etonian chuntering. At one point, as I awoke, he’d said something which caused a shak of the heed and a roll of the een fae his lawyer, the aptly-named Lord Pannick. Fa must have, fan he seen his client in action.
So, is Boris toast? Maybe. But he’s been getting aff wi’ stuff his hale life, so it’s hard nae tae think there’s ivery chunce it’ll happen again.
He’s lost ivery job he iver hid for telling lees, and yet he niver seems tae face ony real consequences. Even if he loses his seat, he’ll keep making millions by gi’en speeches for fowk wi’ mair siller than sense.
Efter a’, as fairmers lik me hiv ayewiz kent, there’s money in sharn.
Cheerio!
Shelley Shingles, showbiz correspondent and Miss Fetteresso 1983
Oh. Em. Bona Fide. Gee! Maybe that should be Bono Fide, with U2’s latest musical extravaganza being released this week. Call me old-fashioned, but I find it totes adorbs when the dinosaurs of the charts roll back the clock and show the youngsters that they’ve still got it!
Ireland’s second greatest export (after Baileys, obv) have been rocking our worlds since 1976. Imagine that – they were formed before pork was ever pulled, before caramel was salted, or avocado was smashed!
As you’d expect, Bono and the lads have had highs and lows in their careers. They did a Bond theme, a Batman theme, and have released countless records, but they’re probably most famous for their impeccable environmental credentials and that time Bono forgot his favourite hat and had it flown first class to Italy.
One of their albums caused controversy when they decided we were all getting it onto our iTunes accounts whether we liked it or not, which some people said was a bit like Bono coming round your house and putting a fish in your sock drawer.
But, this latest album is nothing like an unwelcome fish. According to the press release, Songs of Surrender is a collection of acoustic rerecordings of some of their greatest hits over the last 47 years. It’s a great listen, and is bound to give John Lewis enough songs for at least a dozen Christmas adverts.
Of course, me and U2 go way back. I bumped into bass player Adam Clayton at a fashion show in the 1990s. He was there with then-girlfriend Naomi Campbell, and I was there as a spokesmodel for Robert Rae’s.
When I saw him and Naomi together, I said: “It’s such a pleasure to meet you two”, to which Adam replied: “It’s just me, love – the rest of the lads are back in Dublin.”
Wise words from a true gent.
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