So, I had better confess, dear reader. Yes, I did find myself in a jail cell on Saturday morning.
Lessons learned. I am trying to move on with my life. Leave me alone.
My gleeful, so-called friends at Police Scotland will now be phoning each other to see who of their number finally collared the annoying git from Stornoway. Sadly for them, they will find no record of the alleged incident, the charges, or the reason for my being allowed to exit Donald Trump-style – without handcuffs.
That is because the circumstances were that I was virtually dragged into those cold, stone-walled cells by Chris Murray, the well-known, Stornoway-based former rescue helicopter winchman, who is originally from Dornoch. And there is your clue.
We were in his hometown, where the once grim penal institution Dornoch Jail – a terror tool of the cold-hearted Duke of Sutherland – is now a bustling collection of wee shops, selling cuddly toys and many, many other fine gifts. It used to be a case of: “Help, let me out.” Now it’s: “Hey, let me in.”
Just a few doors along from the disused jail is the almost-skyscraping, five-floor Dornoch Castle Hotel. It, too, has a grim history, and was also once a jail. Now, though, it is a grand hostelry of the “big open fire and immense selection of drams” variety.
After our incarceration, we sought refuge in there, where we appreciated the warming embrace of excellent hospitality. Lolloping by that big fireside was also much appreciated.
Having donated many items to the local museum from his winchman days, and from his diving and metal detecting, Historylinks now has a Chris Murray exhibition for a few months. He declared it open. Go, have a look around.
It even includes a running video of an incredible rescue Chris did, filmed from the helicopter. See him smashed against the side of a ship in a raging storm, landing aboard and being blown by the storm back over the side, where he dangles upside down on the wire. Then he clambers back up and completes the rescue.
No wonder that cove got a Queen’s Gallantry Medal, doing that kind of malarkey for a job. Go in and have a look round. Be amazed.
Thank you very much to everyone at the museum for organising the event. Special thanks to Lynne, the curator, who put the multimedia show together.
A Fish out of water
Someone who used to be good at putting on a show was Derek Dick. He is otherwise known as Fish, former frontman of the band Marillion for much of the 1980s. I mention him because he has decided, despite the ongoing ferries fiasco, to move to the Outer Hebrides.
Fish is reportedly taking up residence on Berneray, once a popular hideaway for the King. As Prince Charles, his majesty and Princess Diana visited and then, as domestic problems mounted, the prince returned alone and lived incognito with the late Donald MacKillop and his wife Gloria for a while in the 1980s. He could not have found anyone more discreet.
Christened Fish by his landlord because he used to take so long in the bath, new islander Mr Dick will soon realise that something radical needs to be done about our ferries. So, we may have a celebrity banging the drum for decent services from Holyrood. Only a fish could cross the Minch in a hurry nowadays.
Before I head back across the brine, I must say thanks to my host at the Trentham Hotel. John Mackintosh and the staff looked after us very well. If you pop in, ask John to tell you of the night he woke up with a viper on his chest. It wasn’t in Dornoch, though. That would have made the story even more scary.
Some DIY at Porterfield Prison
Talking of jails, the poor state of Porterfield Prison in Inverness is scary. Although the staff are praised, a report into conditions isn’t great. The two-man cells are too small. They are building another clink, but it won’t be ready for at least a year.
Maybe it was the cramped conditions that made an angry prisoner’s wife hit out after visiting her husband there a while back. Before leaving, she told a prison officer: “You lot should be ashamed of yourself. You shouldn’t be making my poor Donald work like that. He’s absolutely exhausted.”
The prison officer laughed and said: “Look, madam, we do not force prisoners to work. I can assure you that your husband just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell all day long.”
The wife replied: “Now, I know that really is just nonsense. Donald just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides.
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