The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken about youse, but lookin at a’ yon police tape and blue tents in Nicola Sturgeon’s gairden, wi weary officers stompin aboot and raking through her bins, I wiz struck wi how relatable she suddenly seemed. Cos it turns oot she has a pokey wee gairden jist like me.
Plus, blue tents and police tape is often a familiar look for hooses doon my road. Nae that there is ony allegations o financial impropriety wi my significant ither, thank you very much. Cos he’s absolutely runkit. And ony bobby rakin’ for a receipt for onythin in my hoose is gan tae be there for wiks, cos ye dinna get receipts for DVD players bought in the lounge bar o the local boozer.
Funny, though, that there’s a’ this fuss about dodgy financial stuff wi them, but as yet we’ve had nae police raids haain a look under Boris’s aul sofa, or inspectin’ the gairden at Rishi’s massive hoose, far he’s had the national grid upgraded tae heat his private pool. Imagine haein the power tae dae that? I’d hae them install the flume fae the Beach Leisure Centre in mine een.
I wiz reading fit else politicians is daain, and I wiznae happy – they’re gan tae be testing a new emergency alert system fit will ging aff on ivery smartphone in the country. So, they’re a’ concerned about TikTok spyin for China, but they can stick some alarm onto ab’dy’s phones withoot askin’? At’s jist unasseptible, at.
It wiz bad enough fan U2 forced their bowfin’ album on ab’dy, but at least that had some tunes. This is jist gan tae be a piercing siren fit maks yer ears hurt. And ex-ravers like me canna even relive the 1990s by duncin tae it like it’s The Prodigy, cos it’ll only last 10 seconds. Long enough tae annoy ye but nae long enough tae be of ony use.
Onywye, its gan tae ging aff at 3pm twa wiks on Sunday – at’s April 23. They wiz gan tae dae it earlier that day, but then realised it wid frighten thoosands of fitba fans at the FA Cup. Though there’s a good chunce that if yer halfwye through a contraflow in yer car fan it gings aff tae warn ye about a fictitious emergency, it’ll then cause a real een.
But fit’s it for? Well, it’s gan tae be used it tae warn of “extreme weather events”, like flash floods or wildfires, and also if the country is under attack.
The new Emergency Alerts system will be tested on April 23.
The system will warn people when their lives are in danger. An Emergency Alert is a loud, siren-like sound with a message on your mobile phone screen.
To find out more, visit https://t.co/wxBBRStUwH pic.twitter.com/ILabAh0lbb
— NCSC UK (@NCSC) April 4, 2023
I hiv an alternative warning system – look oot yer window! If ye see watter risin’ or flames ahind yer hedge, ye’ll ken fit’s up. And if the country is under attack, fit is a 10-second piercin phone alarm sposed tae dae tae help the situation, ither than mak ye panic for yer last precious few seconds on earth? But it’s OK, apparently, cos the system may not be used “for months or years”. Well, that’s a relief!
Mind you, it’s only folk wi 4G and 5G smartphones fit’ll get the alert, fit means my mither will ging aboot her day unaware, along wi ab’dy else that disnae hiv een.
Wi this in mind, I am glad that I hiv daen my public service by geein ye plenty prior notice tae prepare yourself afore April 23. So at’s ample time for ye tae tak yer smartphone and smash it wi a hammer afore it gings aff and pits the wind up ye.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who goes in studs up
As former Spurs legend Jimmy Greaves used to say on classic football TV show Stain and Greasy: “It’s a funny old game.” The managerial merry-go-around has gone into overdraft this week, with more managers getting the dunt than I’ve had hot dinners. That’s mainly because my Melody is on a health kick and we has been eating a heap of salads and goose-goose, which is like a healthy and tasteless version of skirlie.
There was two sackings in the Premiership at the weekend, with former Celtic gaffer Ted Rodgers getting the heigh-ho from his job at Leicester, and Potter finally getting his jotters from Chelsea after a dreadful run of form. These weren’t too much of a surprise, but eyeballs was raised when Chelsea announced they’d appointed club legend – and recently dismissed gaffer – Frankie Lampard!
Back to it. 👊 pic.twitter.com/u3iyGbNYEc
— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) April 6, 2023
Reappointing Lamps is the latest in a series of bizarre moves from The Blues. The Stamford Bridge side have become a bit like a make-believe version of Roy of the Rovers of late, with dozens of signings of mince players and a new manager every six months.
Still – I can see one benefit to tacking Frankie back on… When they sack him again, the secretary will just need to change the date on the letter they sent him this first time!
I wish Lamps well, but Old Kenny is not a big believer in raking up the past. I think what’s done is done, and that a roller skate gathers no moss, so you is always best moving on to postures new.
In fact, I got in touch with the chairmen of the clubs where I’d been sacked as manager and told them that I wouldn’t come back into the hotspot even if they begged me. They all said to me, they said: “We respect your wishes, Kenny, and wouldn’t dream of asking you back.” Fair play to them!
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