Beards can make you look up to about 12 years older, they say.
Why so many men decide to cultivate a facial fungus is beyond me. It takes a lot of work and time to keep a beard neat and tidy and, let’s be honest, few do that. Most weirdy-beardies have straggly strands or nasty, lazy stubble.
And beards are so unhygienic. Food falls into them every day, and only those who meticulously wash and brush their growth can expect it to be relatively bacteria-free. Few do.
So, beardies smell, too, although they can’t smell it – at least, that is what Mrs X said when I told her I was planning a goatee. And she said beards were prickly. So, we must pity partners and spouses who have to snog a walking thorn bush like that every day.
It’s not every day Police Scotland gives officers direct orders. No beards allowed. Not because of the ageing effect, the scruffiness, the stink or the prickliness, but because beardies cannot be safe in a respiratory mask. It’s impossible.
Their breath is not filtered, as it just goes straight through the bristles. They can’t be safe in risky, mask-mandatory situations. People they talk to won’t be safe either.
It is safe, however, to say that the best part of the coronation was the concert on Sunday. Watching everyone vainly trying to enthusiastically and patriotically sing along with Lionel Richie as he belted out All Night Long was rib-tickling.
It’s one of these songs everyone thinks they can sing along to – but they really, really can’t. There’s that verse people murmur along to even though they haven’t a scooby what the words are.
Supporters of Hearts FC tried to adopt it as their own as it was such a popular song because it mentions their nickname, the jambos. They gave up because it is a bit of a tongue-twister.
Most of them are from East Lothian. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that us west coasters are better at that sort of thing. How else could we remember nonsensical and rapid-fast Gaelic mouth music – the famed “puirt à beul”?
Why jambos? Well, it’s a bit like Cockney rhyming slang. Hearts, jam tarts, jambos. Geddit? And All Night Long goes: “Tam bo li de, say de moi ya. Hey, jambo jumbo. Way to party, oh, we’re going. Oh, jambali.”
Their majesties weren’t great at miming
The cameras were on their majesties, so their lips were moving. Queen Camilla even had a go by pursing her lips a bit. His Maj was laughing so much that he quickly realised he had no clue.
All along that row, no sound seemed to be coming out. They couldn’t think of the words, although the tune had been embedded in their brains for decades. Just that bit: “Hey, jambo jumbo”.
Some songs, like Gangnam Style, have a great tune but the lyrics are, er, daunting. We know: “Ey, sexy lady. Op op, op op. Gangnam style”, but do you know the next line?
Gangnam in South Korea is where people are a bit richer and thought to have class. People from Gangnam never say that – it’s posers and wannabes who put on these airs and say they’re into “Gangnam style”. That’s a bit like people from Bernera. We know we are smart, but we never boast about it.
Scunnered about Scone
We can boast that the Stone of Destiny had a coronation role. Ah, the Stone of Scone.
Just one thing, though – why do these non-Scots commentators not bother to do research? They pronounce it “scoan”, or like the bread “sconn”, when it should be pronounced “scoon”. Does that drive anyone else up the wall?
I don’t think one of them got it right at the weekend. One of the channels even had a discussion between pundits, and they concluded it was pronounced “scoan”. Not a clue, these people.
Not like Fergus Ewing. This column’s favourite straight-talking politician earned more stripes last week as he fulminated against the despised proposed Highly Protected Marine Areas (HPMAs) legislation.
The esteemed former minister rounded on the plan as being utter folly – which, of course, it is. It has caused anger and worry to those who make their livelihoods from the sea off the west coast. Humza Yousaf knows that.
Mr Ewing comprehensively rubbished HPMAs, then ripped the plan document into shreds before an open-mouthed parliament – Gangnam style.
And I liked the style of Tommy from Uist. He told a friend that his wife was one of twins. The friend laughed. “Really? I suppose it’s difficult telling them apart.”
“Yes,” says Tommy. “Especially now that her brother’s shaved his beard off.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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