The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and John Hardie.
Tanya Souter, lifestyle correspondent
I da ken aboot youse but I wiz real sad this wik at the passing o’ Tina Turner. Nae mony folk ken this, but she his lang been a hero o’ mine. Back in the day, fan I used tae bide in Ellon, I even performed in a tribute act tae her. I wis the New Inn’s answer tae the queen o’ rock and roll – Ythan Tina Turner.
She come roaring oot o’ Nutbush, Tennessee, survived a horror show o’ an abusive husband, got rid, and made a bigger, better life for hersel on her own terms.
As such, she wiz an inspiration tae fowk like me who hiv come stotting oot o’ Northfield, (fit is jist like Nutbush, but wi’ a Spar) and hiv seen the back o’ enough useless mannies tae start a fitba team. Aye, American fitba.
I first seen her on the telly in the 1980s, fan she wis a’ready in her 40s, wearing the kind o’ wee frock yer ma widna let ye get as a teenager. Her influence is still keenly felt by a’ the yummy mummies like masel fa like tae wear a spangly mini-dress lang past the age they’ll even let ye intae a branch o’ Topshop.
Tina wis famous for her gravelly voice and a hairdo like a scurry’s nest, baith o’ which I often hae an’ a’, especially the morning efter a bosker o’ a nicht oot.
I mean, dinna get me wrang – despite these obvious parallels, I ken I am nae in the same league as Tina. I dinna hae her fame, for a start, only being well known to a limited number o’ folk. Such as the police and social work.
I dinna hae her incredible power as a performer, neither. Mind you, the boy fa rins the karaoke did eence say that my version o’ Private Dancer at Cafe Bardots wis “unbelievable”, so ye nivver ken.
And, in ither wyes, we are practically opposites. Tina sang about Steamy Windows – weel, I’m sometimes seen hinging oot my windaes, steaming.
And, files she hid the husky vocals, I hiv a vocal husky. It’s Big Sonya’s dog, Boris, fit I am looking efter files she spends a few wiks at His Majesty’s Pleasure (though fit pleasure he gets oot o’ it, I dinna ken).
He’s a lovely doggie, but he niver quits barking. Fan Sonja telt me his name, I says: “Fit wye, is it cause the breed comes fae Russia?”
“No,” she says “It’s cause he’s a great hairy galoot fa winna shut up and naeb’dy kens foo mony kids he’s got.”
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who is looking out his passport
We’ve taken our team into Europe! Yes, we have, oh, yes, we have!
I was down at Pittodrie on Wednesday night where I had the pilgrimage of seeing the Dandy Dons turn over the Baddies from Paisley 3-0. To put the icing on the cherry, the Jam Tarts only got a draw at Ibrox, which means Barry Robson’s men has got third place sewed up and, next season, European football for the Red Army is very much on the environs!
Let’s not forget to remember that after Jim Badloss got his jotters, there was more than a few pouting Thomases when Robbo took over in the Aberdeen hottub. But, he has turned the ship around with a steady hand on the pillar, and has fairly ended the campaign with the wind up his sails.
Things is looking good for next season – especially if Celtic gub the Icy Teas in the cup final next week! The Dons will have guaranteed European football until Christmas if the Bhoys win. And, even though Kenny feels constricted saying it, I says: “Come on you Hoops!”
We've taken our team into Europe 🎶 🔴#StandFree pic.twitter.com/PbtDxGSP4A
— Aberdeen FC (@AberdeenFC) May 24, 2023
The only fly in the appointment from Wednesday’s triumph was striker Bojan Miovski getting carried off on a stretcher after one of the St Mirren lads put in a shocker of a challenge on the Macadamian’s ankle. Bojan says, he says: “Nothing is broken” – but he’ll have a hard summer getting his self back to full fitness if, I suspect, he has damaged his filaments.
Meanwhile, the St Mirren boy who put the tackle in got his marching powders from the man in black, and is banned ‘til after their last match, meaning that his season is over. It just shows to go, there’s nothing new in the bountiful game.
I got a straight red in the second last game of every season I played in after I got together with the lovely Melody, a pheromone which has long puzzled the stats boffins, but is easily explained when you see how much dearer it is in June for two weeks all-inclusive in Corfu. Mental.
Conversation