I was chilled to the marrow to discover a silent killer lurking in my hoose, ready not only to shorten my lifespan but destroy the planet to boot.
What is this fiendish contraption that is harbinger of personal and global Armageddon? Step forward, the humble gas cooker.
Yeah, I had to read that twice, too, when I first saw the alarming headline about calls for urgent action to save ourselves from the hob we use in the kitchen every day.
I always thought it was kind of handy to have something to boil a kettle on, or slave away over while making a fine supper of an evening.
Who knew that your friendly gas hob has been linked to causing respiratory problems, cardiovascular disease, lower life expectancy, and creating levels of indoor air pollution that would break the law outdoors? Oh, and global warming, too.
And as the litany of all the things your cooker does to kill you was rolled out, I had an immediate and rather visceral reaction. I said a bad word followed by “off”. Then “right off”.
Seriously, chaps, do we not have enough to worry about in the world just now without some box-ticking bunch of do-gooders telling us to put our hobs on the back burner? Actually, would we even be allowed to do that?
I mean, up until now, I thought the most dangerous thing about cooking with gas happened when I was eight, mucking about with the oven in our family house and nearly blew my grandad up. (It’s a story for another time.)
And, yeah, I did put the kettle on then forget about it the other week there. I would have gotten away with replacing it without Mrs B noticing with a next day delivery, but have you seen the price of Le Creuset?
But, minor catastrophes aside, I have always cooked with gas. It’s fast, it’s efficient, it gives you absolute control over your pan. Turn down the heat on an electric hob and see where that gets you with boiling milk.
Now, I’m living with the imminent spectre of death every day.
Except, I’m not. Earlier, I referred to an alarming headline. It wasn’t. It was alarmist.
My gas stove is not the bogeyman
Millions of us in the UK have gas cookers. In fact, it’s 36 million: roughly half the population. We’re not all carking it mid stir-fry and, if the health risks were so great, I’m pretty sure we would have heard about by now.
So, call me cynical, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not the headline, it’s the subtext. Gas is a fossil fuel, those are bad, folk aren’t scared enough, let’s scare them more.
Sorry, my gas stove is not the bogeyman. It’s a vital tool for millions of us who want to eat, so leave it alone.
Although, for the record, I’m enjoying my new quick-boil electric kettle. It’s fast, turns itself off, and prevents me dying in an absent-minded but hideous inferno.
Scott Begbie is a former journalist and editor for The Press & Journal and Evening Express
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