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Iain Maciver: I know Rockall about survival on a desolate islet

A Buckie-born teacher is currently trying to break the 43-day record for rock-sitting.

The uninhabitable Rockall is in the North Atlantic Ocean (Image: Andy Strangeway)
The uninhabitable Rockall is in the North Atlantic Ocean (Image: Andy Strangeway)

For a wee upcoming TV part, I’ve managed to cultivate a wee goatee. Now I keep being told that I look like the late country and western singer, Kenny Rogers.

Yeah, if Kenny Rogers had put on weight and much less hair. Actually, Kenny R rarely had a goatee, just a well-trimmed beard.

The TV director said I will need facial hair because he could see me as a big, nasty Count. At least, I think that’s what he said.

Now people say I look like Reverend Kenny I Macleod, a popular retired preacher in the parish of Plasterfield. Er, he is popular in other places, too. I just mean he lives here, in leafy Plasterfield-on-the-Hill. Ministers, of course, don’t retire but are constantly taking on duties when they should be putting their feet up. Politicians too, more’s the pity.

While over on the west side of Lewis the other day, I was told by a guy: “I will tell Kenny I that if he gets double-booked, you can be his stand-in.” And vice-versa? Oh, heck.

I am sure Mr Macleod could be a great newspaper columnist. Even though I fancied being a hellfire and brimstone preacher when I was young, I really couldn’t be a minister in a church.

You see, I’m not sure I could stand up there and tell people where they were going wrong. It’s more natural for me to be told off than to do the lecturing. I’ve had enough experience of being shouted at all my life. Sympathy, please?

Others shout that my wee goatee makes me the teuchter Tom Jones. Not having the Welsh boyo’s particular talents, I really don’t want lasses coming to Plasterfield and throwing undergarments on my drive. They did that to Sir Tom back in the day, but I have Mrs X to contend with. She complains she has enough washing to do as it is.

There’s not all that much to do on Rockall

Something I also couldn’t do is sit on Rockall for a couple of months. That’s what Chris “Cam” Cameron’s doing right now. The Buckie-born teacher is trying to break the 43-day record for rock-sitting.

What can he do? Eye spy, I suppose. I spy with my little eye something beginning with S. Sea, seabirds and something else. Seabirds are the messiest.

Cam today has been on Rockall for 23 days. Just another 23 days to go. That will be July 15.

One of his back-up team let slip something interesting online the other day. The boat is not booked to pick up Cam until the end of July. So, Cam must already be looking to smash Nick Hancock’s record by a fortnight, all things being equal, fingers crossed, God willing, and as the crow flies, with a following wind.

He’s not in touch as much as he planned to be. Cam can intermittently send tweets but he forgot to pack the shortwave radio with which he planned to keep in touch with family and radio amateurs. He has even appealed on Twitter for any vessels going by who have a spare radio set to drop it off if they can. Shortwave, long shot.

Still, it means he doesn’t have to constantly listen to in-fighting in the ruling UK political party. A total of 354 MPs to seven voted on Monday for the report which found BoJo deliberately misled the House of Commons. Punishments for that are not common.

I know Rockall about survival on a guano-stained Atlantic outcrop. Don’t look up the meaning of guano if you’re having something to eat. But I do know Cam is helping a good cause. He hopes to raise £50,000 for the Royal Navy and Royal Marines Charity.

The total on his JustGiving page yesterday was still under £6,500, so quite a bit to go. Please join me if you can put a tenner or a 20-spot in the kitty.

Make way for midgies

Yet, no cash can save us from the next plague. Blazing heat, torrential thunderstorms and, soon, midgies. Apparently the annoying wee insects hatched within a shorter timeframe this year because of a cold spring and then quite a warm spell. So, we have a large first hatching.

It is now down to the next few weeks. Experts say if it remains damp or humid, we can expect a “mega second generation”.

All that scurrilous talk about me now looking like a minister got me counting my blessings. For example, some people say that I am very lucky to have Mrs X. Well, I certainly am. Indeed, I would go so far as to say that she does often treat me like a god. By that, I mean she often forgets that I exist and only approaches me when she needs something.


Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides

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