The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Greg Gordon.
Professor Hector Schlenk, senior researcher at the Bogton Institute for Public Engagement with Science
As a scientist, people are always asking me questions. Big questions. Like: “Are we alone in the universe? What is consciousness?” And – perhaps most pressingly – “Is Rishi Sunak abandoning green policies because he is the driver’s friend, or because he really loves going in private jets and helicopters?”
Recently, however, people have been asking me about an amazing image of distant stars, taken by the James Webb Space Telescope which, despite being many light-years away, appear to be in the form a giant cosmic question mark, floating in space – a phenomenon which suggests several divergent hypotheses.
Some may look at the question mark as proof that a deity not only exists, but is asking us what on earth we think we’re up to.
It could also be conclusive proof of the simulation hypothesis; that we live in an artificial reality where a command prompt in the rendering software has broken down. Even now, multi-intelligent pan-dimensional beings could be swearing, banging it with a flat hand and getting ready to turn the universe off and on again.
Or, the cosmic question mark could be proof that aliens from a far distant galaxy are trying to communicate with us, by reflecting back to us a symbol that shows they are 36 light-years away, and so have just begun receiving Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor Who episodes, and they really like the pattern on his jumper.
However, I myself prefer to see this phenomenon as a variant of pareidolia, which is the human tendency to perceive apparently significant patterns in random or accidental arrangements, such as the famous “face on Mars”, Jesus in a piece of toast, or the behaviour of Elon Musk.
NEWS 🚨: NASA's James Webb telescope has spotted a giant 'question mark' object in deep space pic.twitter.com/fU5K5nKeil
— Latest in space (@latestinspace) August 7, 2023
In this case, the image most likely shows two interacting galaxies, where the larger one is being tidally disrupted by the smaller one.
True, one could find it terribly exciting that this cosmic phenomenon looks like a question mark, until one remembers that all of the other stars look like full stops. In fact, these stars only resemble a question mark from the specific direction and orientation that the image was taken.
We must remember that there are no actual directions in space, and in an infinite universe, left or right do not, in fact, exist. Which is precisely the reason I failed my driving test.
Ron Cluny, official council spokesman
As a spin doctor for a local authority, I like to keep a weather eye out for political stories, and to consider what I would do if I found myself charged with dealing with them. Donald Trump remains the gold standard for this activity.
Now charged with multiple counts of conspiracy and obstruction relative to the Capitol riots, alongside 40 charges of mishandling confidential documents and still more from the Stormy Daniels hush money scandal, he is testing to the limit the old adage that all publicity is good publicity. And just testing, to the limit.
The current approach, which seems to involve denying everything and saying ‘Donald is going to do Donald’ – seems to be oddly effective
I don’t really know how I would go about seeking to deflect attention away from such a wide variety of allegations – although the current approach, which seems to involve denying everything and saying “Donald is going to do Donald” – seems to be oddly effective. But, perhaps something a bit more baroque might be fun.
Recently, a Chinese zoo was forced to go the record to deny that one of its bears was a man in a bear suit. Perhaps Trump’s people should claim that he is not criminally responsible, as he is a bear in a man suit. I suspect that, even then, his core constituency would still vote for him.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s always on the offensive
I see that Harry Kane is in percussions with Bayern Munich about leaving London to join the German giants. If it happens, Tottingham Hotpot fans will find it a bitter spill to wallow. But I hope he and his family are happy in their new life in Bayern.
It’s not always easy for players to anaesthetise theirselves to a new city. When I left Aberdeen for Hearts, I never really settled there. We moved to Edinburgh in the August, in the middle of the fridge festival, so it was a bit of a culture shock. Especially for my Melody. She was brung up in Sheddocksley, and they don’t have no culture there at all.
But mostly what put me off and brung my stint in Auld Creaky to a premarital end was the Edinburgh smell. In fact, Hot Weetabix still makes me cowk.
😳🔴 Lauren James sent off for England vs Nigeria after this stamp on Michelle Alozie! pic.twitter.com/nG9CiVdZ0P
— EuroFoot (@eurofootcom) August 7, 2023
Watching the Lionesseses against Nigeria earlier in the week, I found myself thinking how much woman’s football has come on. The bar is probably still shaking after the shot the Nigerian number 2, Ashleigh Plumptre, dinged off it! Old Kenny’s not seen a strike like that since Scott McKenna hammered one in past the Killie goalie from 40 yards.
Then, England midfielder Lauren James got her jotters for stamping on her opposite number. Watching the game with my pal Dunter Duncan, we was both stunned and shocked; shocked and stunned. “A sending off for violent conduct!” I says. “Dunter, the women’s game has finally arrived.”