The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
View From The Midden: Rural Affairs with Jock Alexander
It’s been an fermenting wik in the village. There has been much fascination wi’ yon saga o’ the Crooked Hoose pub doon in Dudley. Ye ken the een, fit got mysteriously burnt doon and then flattened by a digger fae the quarry next door fit’s owned by the same folk that had jist bocht it. Fa immediately flew aff tae Corfu.
Noo, I ken we shouldnae speculate as tae fit happened, but come on, eh? There’s naen o’ us come doon the Ythan on a bike.
The pub itself wiz a famous historical landmark fit folk used tae flock tae fae miles aroon, despite it being fit I wid cry ginkit. So, o’ course, Feel Moira is keen that we in the village lure tourists in wi’ a wonky tavern o’ wir ain.
Her initial plan tae remodel the village pub, by demolishing a’ the load bearing wa’s at one end wis frustrated by her getting barred for daein it wi’ oot permission files the place wis full o’ locals. So, instead, she’s turned her attention to her ain shoogly byre.
I’m nae convinced a manky auld coo shed fit is slowly sinking intae an affa boggy field is quite the same thing, though. And it widna tak a fire and a digger tae finish it aff. The only thing hauding it up is fear at fit Moira wid dae tae it if it collapsed.
However, she’s pressing on, and is planning her ain range o’ trendy ales. She has been inspired by recent developments in the field o’ strange-flavoured hipster beers, like the eens unveiled this wik by frozen food mogul Aunt Bessie, wi’ names like Sunday Roast Brown Ale and Sticky Toffee Pudding Porter. Edinburgh brewers hiv even pit oot eens flavoured wi’ Irn-Bru and battered Mars bars.
NEW 🍗 Beer
Aunt Bessie’s and Northern Monk brewery launch new beer collab
Roast Dinner Brown Ale, Apple Crumble & Custard Pale Ale and Sticky Toffee Pudding & Custard Porter flavours
Available exclusively at Morrisons from today in a mixed pack for £5.50/four cans pic.twitter.com/JjAz56iKG3
— The Grocer (@TheGrocer) August 15, 2023
So, Moira’s range o’ beers will reflect the distinctive flavours o’ oor pairt o’ the world, including Skittery Willie’s Piggery Pilsner, Sharny Field on a Hot Day IPA, and a sparkling cider wi’ a hint o’ tractor tyre, cried Gassy Massey Ferguson. They’re gadsy, but dae save her the bother o’ the complicated structural works needed tae mak a pub look like it’s fa’n doon; a pint of ony o’ them and it’ll feel exactly like yer surroundings is cowping at 15 degrees. Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit whose Airbnb in Gothenburg is booked
Old Kenny has found his self watching the bountiful game with divided royalties this week. My football infections has always been with The Dons and Scotland, and heel on their hots is anyone sticking Rangers, Celtic or England. But, this week, I had to suck the bullet and cheer on some of the teams I usually wants to lose.
Like when The Rangers was playing Serviette and The Hibees was playing Luzern – who both come from Switzerland – I had my Toblerone, fancy watch and holey cheese all looked out to cheer on the Swizzers. But then Dunter Duncan says to me, he says: “Kenny, we need the Scottish sides to win, because of the codeficient!”
I have never not got my head round the Uefa codeficient. That is the formula what decides how many teams from each country gets European places, and how many diddy rounds teams like Aberdeen will have to play before the group-stage megabucks start to roll in.
Dunter got his calculator out and shown me a sheetspread what said that if the Swiss roll over the Scottish teams, their codeficient could go above ours, meaning we get knocked out of Europe two weeks earlier than normal next season. I think that’s what he said, anyway. After a while, I felt like I was at the mortgage adviser, so I might have zoomed out a little.
That is why, through gritty teeth, I tried to look happy when The Rangers and The Hibees got through to the next round by cuffing the Swizz. Hearts also got through with a dramatical late winner against Bjorn Borg. Well done to them all for saving Scotland’s codeficient, and I hope they all get pumped in the next round.
In the Women’s World Cup, England has made it through to the final after beating the Aussies in their outback yard. Up until the semi, I’d been cheering on their opponents, but I changed my tune when my missus, the lovely Melody, told me she had stuck £20 on England to win it.
I had to find a reason not to cheer the women from Oz. Then I learned that their team is cried the “Tillys” and I once got a dead leg playing against Lads Club at Jamieson Park, so that done the trick.
England play Spain next in Sunday’s final, and Old Kenny has already been down the bookies. I lumped on the Lionesseses because, the way I sees it, either Spain win and I’m happy, or England win and I’m being paid condensation for having to get used to hearing 2023 mentioned as often as 1966!