On Friday, a few of us were given pots of environmentally-friendly green paint to transform the white community hub near where we live into a green one.
Martin, Emma, Lachlann, Mark and I did our best, and the youngest helpers did a grand job, too. Unfortunately, even though I had on an old shirt, lumps of paint lodged in my hair, my eyes and, well, everywhere. When we finished, I hastily ripped off the latex gloves and threw them in the bin.
Oops. Glove disposal should be done very carefully. Although my hands were initially paint-free, yanking the tight gloves off meant a lot of the green stuff was transferred to my fingers. I hadn’t noticed.
After a couple of hours of painting, I got home and dashed to the smallest room to do what a man has to do. As I washed my hands, I realised how much paint was still on my hands. It took some real hard scrubbing to get it off. Ouch.
Then Mrs X quietly pointed out I’d been to the loo before – not after – I scrubbed my hands. Maybe paint had got onto something else? Nah. I thought I had better check.
Dungarees down again. Oh no, she was right. Some of my pink bits were now striped as if they supported Celtic. That quick-drying and hard-wearing paint which is marketed as excellent for masonry, tiles, wood and metals was inadvertently daubed on in a way that would require much painful scouring. So, I asked Mrs X what we should do.
She howled: “Don’t look at me. I’m not taking a Brillo pad to the pink parts of your body. I don’t think you should use turpentine either. We have none, anyway. Try soaking in a hot bath for an hour or two. If that doesn’t work, I’ll take you to A&E.” Heck, I’m showing no one nothing, no way.
Since then, I’ve had a long bath every night. The green has only faded a bit. It’s going to take ages. Parts of me could still be used as a flag at Parkhead.
‘Ard Ghobar’ is just gobbledegook
Meanwhile, some people are flagging how Highland Council often misspell Gaelic signposts. Lazy officials fail to check and double-check the Gaelic translations of place names before getting road signs made. They have Gaelic officers, but blundering staff fail to consult them. No excuse. Highland Council is currently getting a roasting from Gaels including Mary Ann Kennedy, well-known singer and expert in all things Gaelic.
She lives in Ardgour, the peninsula across the Corran Narrows, where yon wee ferry rarely sails. It’s the latest place to suffer an expensive mess-up. Ardgour is from the Gaelic name Àird Ghobhar or, literally, Goat Heights.
New signs @HighlandCouncil. You actually have an officer, one of whose duties is to support you in getting it right. But no, you have to waste money and insult a minoritised culture. Àird Ghobhar. It's not that difficult. pic.twitter.com/wE1QpRexUE
— Mary Ann Kennedy: #Morad (@NicUalraig) September 7, 2023
At least three new signposts now wrongly say Ard Ghobar. That’s just gobbledegook – expensive rubbish. That’s down to a roads department where some staff are so incompetent, they think they know better than their own professional Gaelic officers.
Taking to social media, Mary Ann revealed that all they actually had to do was copy from the old signs. She raged: “It’s perfectly possible to replace signs due for upgrade with place names spelled correctly in both languages.” Keep updating us, Mary Ann, and I will see what I can do to embarrass them. Tha seo thuca.
Who’s coaching Dougray?
And who coached actor Dougray Scott to mispronounce Port Askaig on the BBC’s CalMac show Island Crossings? An esteemed Scottish voiceover artiste saying Port Ask-aig? That’s as nonsensical as the people who say Mall-laig. There’s no split. It’s just “aig”, as in Arisaig or Ardrishaig.
Dougray even messed up the Leverburgh to Berneray ferry, Loch Portain, calling it Loch Port-ane. Phonetically, it is Loch Porsh-tann. It means wee crab, because of the ferry’s side thrusters. A wee joke, messed up by sloppy producers IWC Media and the dozy BBC, who all threw Dougray Scott under the proverbial bus. Poor guy. From acting with Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 2, poor Dougray is now reduced to uttering scripts with idiotic instructions on pronunciation. Mary Ann and I are going to keep giving these droids pelters.
The pelters I got for my green paint job is a timely reminder that some jobs should be left to the professionals. I recently bumped into an English friend, Tom, who used to live near us. I hadn’t seen Tom for about 10 years, as he had moved to Glasgow. He used to be a van driver. He said: “Actually, old chap, I’m a painter now, you know. I’m very proud to say that some of my work is on view in Kelvingrove Art Gallery.”
I was impressed. Tom then added: “Even if I do say so myself, I did do a good job on those skirting boards.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides