The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner, Simon Fogiel and Greg Gordon.
Cosmo Ludovic Fawkes-Hunte, 13th Earl of Kinmuck
Well, stud me with cloves, baste me in a marmalade glaze and bake me ’til golden, if that wasn’t the best Tory conference since the days of the sainted Margaret!
Inflammatory rhetoric! The trashing of the international legal safeguards! And rowing back on public spending commitments on infrastructure at a speed not seen since I attached a prototype whisky-driven outboard motor to my dinghy and went skimming across the duck pond like a wooden torpedo (which, coincidentally, happens to have been Jacob Rees-Mogg’s nickname at Eton).
At last, a break from the “compassionate conservatism” bilge and “levelling up” tommyrot of the last 15 years, and a return to proper Tory values: selfishness, cruelty and delusional fearmongering.
What a joy it was to see the Tory message of British exceptionalism delivered full-throatedly by Suella Braverman. What a tribute it is to the power of British culture that, in only one generation, a girl whose parents arrived on these shores from Uganda can speak and think like my great-great-grandpappy, the 10th Earl, who treated anyone from south of Sauchen as an interloper, and used beagles and cudgels to drive them back over the Hill of Fare.
With Suella and Rishi, this country is in safe hands. To the naysayers complaining about a lack of investment in transport, I say this. This country was at its greatest back when we travelled on horseback! Say neigh, not nay!
And, in the words of the new Boudica, the fragrant Penny Mordaunt, our Lady of the Lake – stand up and fight! Because, when you stand up and fight, the person beside you stands up and fights. And then you are having a fight. And that is what Conservatives do best. We start fights!
View From The Midden – rural affairs with Jock Alexander
It’s been a domesticated wik in the village. If, like me, ye’ve found yersel staring in horrified fascination at the details o’ the Tory conference speeches, ye may be thinking the country has gone tae the dogs. But, look on the bright side – at least they’re nae operating machinery, unlike in Slovakia, where a mannie has been fined by police after a photo wiz taen o’ his car being driven by a dog. The canine in question wiz ahind the wheel o’ a Skoda, fit is a peety. You’d hiv thocht he’d hiv driven a Rover.
Noo, some folk may say this is affa dangerous, but we da ken a’ the facts. For instance, ye canna tell fae a still photo whether or not if he wiz ony good. The picter shows a golden retriever – famous for their gentle and affectionate nature, glossy coat and thorough knowledge o’ the Highway Code – looking oot intently, straight ahead, nae chatting tae a passenger or yapping on a mobile phone. So it could easily hiv been trained tae negotiate the country roads wi’ mair sense than the folk ye see aroond here.
🚗 🐶 Police in Slovakia have fined a 31-year-old man after they spotted a 'brown hunting dog' driving his car in the village of Šterusy. The car owner claimed the dog had jumped on his lap pic.twitter.com/K24pdTmCfE
— Jack Quann (@jqbilbao) September 30, 2023
Luckily, naeb’dy roon here wid be caught oot lik ‘at. ‘Cause we dinna hae a bobby here. Nae since that incident wi’ the wicker man. But even Feel Moira disnae let her aminals drive her Massey Ferguson. Though we often see her heed sticking oot the windae wi’ her tongue lolling aboot.
I am sterting tae wonder if we shouldna jist pit the aminals in cherge. They couldna dae a worse job than the UK Government. Have ye seen fit else they’re up to?
Never mind abandoning net zero, crashing the economy and letting the NHS crimble tae ruins – they’re gan tae gi’e Elgin 20 million quid. Fit a swizz! We in the village wiz nae even on the list o’ wee toons up for a handoot. We could fairly dae wi’ some “levelling up” an a’. In fact, we wid settle for “levelling oot” some o’ the lumpier bits of the main road.
Ach weel, we’ll jist need tae dae it wirsels. All it wid tak is a steamroller and a specially trained labrador. Cheerio!
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s had his fair share of elbows to the head
We is on the march with Robbo’s Army! It’s a great time to be a dandy, with the Dons pulling their boots up and putting their first foot forward into their strides.
It’s a shame we was held to a draw by the Helsinkers on Thursday night in the Europa Diddy League, but there is not no feeling that could top last Saturday’s victory over The Rangers at Snake Mountain. I cries it Snake Mountain because I used to cry it Castle Greyskull until Basher Greig pointed out that was the name of the goodies’ gaff in He-Man. Basher is good in a pub quiz, but now nobody doesn’t know what I is talking about.
Any win against The Rangers is brilliant for an Aberdeen fan, but Saturday’s was the cherry on top of the Riesling on top of the cake. Ryan “Union” Jack got injured, Scott “Nae” Wright got sent off, and the next day their gaffer Michael Beale got his jotters.
I don’t mind saying I feels a bit sorry for him. He has had a tough few months, what with Cindy coming out of witness protection, him having that heart attack and Kathy selling the chippy. Mental.