Iain Maciver: Watch out for a former first minister on a road near you soon

Some keyboard warriors on social media hoped that Nicola Sturgeon would not pass her driving test.

Yet, on Monday, she did just that. Go, girl.

Now that she is sitting on the backbenches, she has more time. Some people, of course, go a bit doolally after getting their licence and go stooring here, there and everywhere.

They forget the section in the Highway Code about observing the speed limits at all times. These lawbreakers do tend to be teenagers, though, and usually boy racers at that. The former first minister is certainly not in that category, but she must have her wits about her because, at the ripe old age of 53, she did pass first time. Good for her, and anyone who can do that.

New drivers tend to get a euphoric whoosh at the prospect of freedom to go anywhere at any time without checking public transport timetables. Methinks she will make the most of it. She will want to see the bits of Scotland that cannot be spotted from the back of a ministerial limo.

Meanwhile, I would tell you about the bits that made up our recent soup – but I really can’t. Mrs X calls it her Chuck-It-In soup. You want to know the recipe and the method?

First, soak a mug of pulses overnight. Then, any old broccoli and cauliflower. It doesn’t matter if they have been lying at the back of the fridge. That just adds a more mature flavour.

Then, add any unopened packets of noodles. Any veg in that drawer? In it goes. Bread? Yeah, and the crusts. Then check the freezer for any frozen veg. Look for some old stock cubes. The unopened ones will be only slightly better. Toss it all in and boil it for an hour.

After a while, she whispered to me: “It doesn’t look that great.” I assured her: “Who cares? We won’t be eating with our eyes.” Then I poured out a mug of it. It was fandabidozi. Maybe I needed a pinch of salt. Absolutely – yum. In fact, it was so good that I asked her to do it all the same again for another panful. Just one problem; we can’t remember what she put in the first one, nor how much.

There is no recipe. Each panful is unique. As long as you have pulses, some veg, and some stock, everything else is pretty much down to what is in. Another rule is that you cannot put in too much of anything. If it thickens, add more hot water. Them’s the rules.

It’s ‘Breek-in’, not ‘Bretch-in’

You do not need rules to feel sorry for people on the east coast of Scotland, and particularly down Brechin way. What a miserable time they had with flooding recently. These scenes of the flood defences being breached, houses with water up the walls, and those poor folk having to move upstairs were heart-rending. It is going to take such a long time to put things right, and possibly many tussles with insurers and others to get back to normal.

To add insult to injury, our learned UK newsreaders on TV seemed unable to tell the story properly. They had no idea how to say Brechin.

As the awful story first broke, most either stumbled over it or completely mispronounced it. It’s really not difficult. You should be educated. You have one job: to read what is in front of you. If you don’t know how to say it, look it up beforehand. Simple.

Why a newsreader couldn’t be bothered to research how to pronounce a wee Scottish toon properly merely shows how utterly incompetent they are. It’s just Brechin – not Bretch-in or Brekk-in. It’s just Breek-in. I dread to think what nonsense Sky News would come up with if ever there was a flood here in the islands, say in Airidhabhruaich or Bunabhainneadar.

Long hair and strong legs

I also dread to think what nonsense teenagers come up with when, like Nicola Sturgeon, they pass their driving test and get freedom. I know one who immediately set about trying to borrow his dad’s car. His dad is a church elder and very firm.

His response was: “Firstly, you will improve your remaining Highers from Cs to Bs, study your bible, and get a haircut. Then, we’ll discuss you using my car.” They agreed.

After the exam results arrived, his dad said: “You’ve improved your Highers and I see you’ve been studying your bible. I am disappointed, however, that you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The teenager said: “Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even evidence that Jesus had long hair.” Dad replied: “Yes, but did you also notice in your bible studies that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides