It’s beginning to look a lot like… the rest of 2023. The Scottish Government is still charging into legal battles, which it then promptly loses.
A veteran lawyer once told me that the last person you should ask about the chances of winning a case is a lawyer. He said that if there was any chance that a lawyer was going to represent you, some would tend to say yes, even if you were doomed.
He thought lawyers, being lawyers, could always argue that they were unbiased, but still say yes to just about any possible court case. Ask someone with no horse in the race, he said.
That wise old legal eagle, leaving that old profession, thought some lawyers are not particularly bothered whether clients win or lose. They get paid, regardless. Someone should tell Humza Yousaf. I think we need to ask who’s been giving him rotten advice.
Tussles in the courtrooms of Scotland and England involving our political leaders have rarely gone well. There was Alex Salmond, the named person scheme, the gender recognition reform bill, scallop dredging, and, maybe, Alex Salmond again soon.
Maybe our government should hire lawyers on a no-win, no-fee basis. If they had the gumption to do that before now, they would have saved a pretty penny. See? My advice is free, Mr Y – although, if you need an invoice for the paper trail…
The Marbles were hoobered
It takes a few pennies to sue a country. If it could have, I think cash-strapped Greece would have sued Britain. We took their marbles and we’re not playing anymore. Well, it was Thomas Bruce, the Seventh Earl of Elgin, who had them hoobered in and around the Parthenon and sent here.
Don’t worry, Moravians. He had little or nothing to do with Elgin in the north. They were Fifers, and we know what they’re like. The clan seat is Broomhall House in Dunfermline. Dunfermline is full of Fifers.
The marbles should be returned to Greece. They were absolutely hoobered. And, while I am at it, what about the Lewis chessmen? They were hoobered, too.
The Westminster government is just hoobering treasures whenever and wherever it can, under the pretence of safekeeping and other nonsense they roll out when it’s time to restore items to their rightful home in the Hebrides.
The rudeness of Rishi Sunak cancelling an appointment with the Greek ambassador tells us he knows the marbles were hoobered.
Hoobering? Did I not explain? Hoobering is Stornoway slang for the unauthorised acquisition of items. Tealeafing. Hoobering usually involves peats, sheep, Golden Virginia, and cans of Tennent’s lager. There is no reason, however, why marbled treasures could not be hoobered also.
For some reason, the UK has never found itself able to do the right and decent thing and hand back said hoobered items. I hope I’m not beginning to talk like a lawyer.
How To Do Puzzles After Drinking Irish Stout
Few lawyers speak Gaelic, so most would be rubbish at Gaelic Scrabble. The first ever Gaelic Scrabble world championships just took place in a wee Gaelic cafe. The cafe is next to Stornoway police station because tempers can flare.
Even I have tipped a board in my time, and made unfounded allegations of tile-hiding and dodgy nouns against my nearest and dearest. Someone suddenly finding an X or Z can bring out raw emotion. Luckily, they’re not in the Gaelic version.
Contestants pieced together ancient crofting terms and topical ones, too. I saw the word “glasadh”. That always meant the verb locking. In recent years, it took on a whole new meaning when, as An Glasadh, it became The Lockdown during the pandemic, as a handy way for broadcasters to tell Gaels to stay inside.
Scholars would have known that it was that adaptable, but it threw me at first. The language of the Garden of Eden is not dead but absolutely fit for purpose for all kinds of global emergencies.
My wife’s uncle, the legendary Murdo Stal, is the first ever Gaelic Scrabble world champion. 👊🏻 sin agad e!https://t.co/oiyfHB5SUf
— James Eglinton (@DrJamesEglinton) December 11, 2023
The outright Scrabble winner was Murdo Macdonald from Back. ‘S math a rinn thu, a’ Mhurchaidh. Good job. I think that one should go in yon Guinness Book. That’s right, that one. How To Do Puzzles After Drinking Irish Stout.
I cannot finish this today without further upsetting all my dear friends in the legal profession more than I already have done. What else can I do to show everyone how careful you must be before becoming involved with a slippery individual in that field? Oh, yeah. Here’s a yarn I heard.
A man became worried after learning about the potential cost of getting legal advice. He had a brainwave. He thought he should agree the costs beforehand. So, he made an appointment and asked his lawyer: “If I give you £500, will you answer two questions for me?”
The lawyer smiled and replied: “Absolutely. Now, what’s the second question?”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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