They say there’s going to be a tea shortage. Help ma boab, what are we going to do?
Drink coffee, of course. We also have hot chocolate, Horlicks, or maybe a little drop of beer here and there. Mind you, I wouldn’t be too keen on the idea of Tennent’s Lager with my breakfast toast, but I think we’ll manage somehow.
I have only recently become a big fan of a new brew which helps me get going. We all know about Earl Grey tea, but the lesser-known Lady Grey is similar, with added orange peel for a touch of zestiness. I just love it in the mornings.
Because Houthi rebels protesting about the Israel-Hamas war in Gaza are attacking ships travelling through the Red Sea, there may soon be a shortage of black tea. Tea is still being produced in India, but it is taking longer to arrive, as container ships are diverted away from the Suez Canal and around the Cape of Good Hope.
A cuppa – or strùpag, as we call it in Gaelic – is accepted worldwide as the way to greet someone who calls upon you. Coffee comes in a poor second, despite the coffee-quaffing antics of Americans.
If you really like your guest, you may also offer them a chocolate digestive or a slice of cake. It’s the same from the lowest to the loftiest in society around the world. A word of caution. Never accept tea or cake from the Russian president. You don’t know what Vladimir Putin means.
It’s never wise to turn down a cuppa…
I did not put in the effort to buy a cuppa last week, and I nearly died. OK, maybe I exaggerate, but what happened really scared me.
Mrs X was working in Harris and I couldn’t be bothered cooking for myself, so I thought I would nip out for a sandwich for lunch. When I got to my nearest filling station, the aroma of freshly-cooked chips was too much for me. Forget the sandwich; it was a packet of chips instead. Will I have a cup of tea to wash them down? Nah, I’ll save a bob or two.
Parking the van up on Stornoway’s scenic Newton Street, I was facing out to sea and began digging into my golden, wonderful root vegetables with salt but little vinegar. After a few munches, I realised the chips were too dry, and they were having difficulty going down.
I took a short break for a few minutes and began to chomp away again. Then, I felt the pain in my throat and chest. Nothing was going down, and I felt my throat was swelling.
The dam broke and the blockage went down. I soon began to feel much better
I began to panic, as you do when you think you’re about to shuffle off this mortal coil. The driver in the car next to me ran over and offered help, but he had no drinks in his car. If he had a straw at that point, I would have tried sucking water out of his radiator.
Nothing would shift, up or down. With my face even redder than it normally is, I decided my best option was to drive to the nearest shop to get something wet into my gullet.
Driving carefully in case I became really ill, I ended up at another filling station. Straight in, I grabbed a Lucozade out of the fridge and swigged it right there and then. The checkout guy was suspicious and shouted: “Hoi, you!” Then he realised I was not myself, and quickly offered me a place to sit.
The dam broke and the blockage went down. I soon began to feel much better. What a relief! The shop worker was also relieved – so much so, he paid for my juice himself. I’ll be buying more tea there next time.
… except when Annie makes it
Experienced housewives make the best tea. A grandmother from Harris was out one day, and Grandad was in charge of the two-year-old granddaughter, Annie. She had got a tea set for Christmas, and it was her favourite toy.
Grandad was watching the TV news when in came Annie, carefully carrying a wee cup of “tea”. It was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise from Grandad, Granny came home to find her old man entranced by the wee one.
Grandad was so proud to show off his granddaughter’s cleverness, as he asked wee Annie to bring them both cups of tea. He told Granny it was “so cute.” Granny waited and watched but did not touch her cup. Grandad praised Annie again and he drank his up.
Then Granny muttered: “Haoi, a’ bhodaich. I don’t suppose it occurred to you that the only place Annie can reach to get water is the toilet.”
Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides
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