The latest topical insights from Aberdeen musical sketch comedy team, The Flying Pigs, written by Andrew Brebner and Simon Fogiel.
Kevin Cash, money-saving expert and king of the grips
As a man fit kens the value o’ a’thin, I wiz baith amazed and amused tae see that, for the guts o’ twa thoosan quid, I could be the proud owner o’ the abandoned auld portaloo on Skene Street.
Ye ken the een. It is a noted landmark roond by the bins next tae the Turkish barbers at the heid o’ the Gilcomston Steps. It will be familiar tae ye if ye frequent ‘at area o’ the toon, or if, like me, ye stott oot o’ the Noose & Monkey or the Nargile efter closing time and find yersel’ caught short.
Cos, let me tell you, it’s ayewis traumatic tae discover for the umpteenth time that it’s still sealed shut, and that the promise o’ blessed relief wis jist a mirage. The heavily graffitied exterior proclaims “Free your Mind”. But nae luck if yer desperate tae free yer bladder.
Despite ’at, it wiz up for auction this wik. At’s een ye’d nivver see on Flog It, is it?
Fifty-eight square-fit and a mouldy chunty, yours for £1,650. Hud me back.
Fae the photies on the auction site, it’s nae exactly Buckingham Palace. It his a sink, a cludge and a baby-changing table, though fa wid wint tae swap their baby for een left in a public lavvy is a mystery tae me.
Fit use wid onyb’dy hae for an auld, disused bog? I suppose it wid be handy if ye winted tae discover a new strain o’ penicillin. Or if ye hiv a young kiddie fa’s mad on Doctor Who – you could tell them the Tardis his landed.
But if ye got it working again, it could be a money-spinner. Efter the pubs his shut, there’s nae ither loos on the go. Unless ye funcy trekking a’ the wye tae Fittie, or wattering the unarranged shrubberies at Union Terrace Gairdens – in full view o’ the CCTV.
Aye, here in Aiberdeen, there is a massive gap in the market for a public loo. But it’s gan tae tak the lucky buyer an affa time tae deep clean the place.
So, in the meantime, I shall be setting up shop jist next tae it, wi’ my ain privately run public convenience, fit will be al fresco, decked oot in snazzy chrome wi’ a blue lid and a wee kitchen step tae help ye climb up til it. Eence I’ve removed the “household recycling only”, sticker I’ll be awa.
Only £5 per shottie, and bog roll at a very competitive £2 a sheet. I’ve still got a pile o’ it in my Grunny’s back bedroom fae the pandemic.
Weel, the auction wis on Thursday – live-streamed, naturally – but I couldna find ony information on if the portaloo selt or fa’s bogcht it. Maybe it didnae sell, so noo someb’dy might get it for a knockdoon price. Fit is a price cheaper than it wid be tae knock it doon.
Or maybe it’s been acquired by a shadowy tycoon wi’ a mysterious plan tae turn it intae something else the centre o’ Aiberdeen is in desperate need o’? Like a shelter for folk waiting for their Uber, or a very wee branch o’ John Lewis.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who’s put a few noses out of joint in his time
With the Euros starting last weekend and non-stop football matches on the telly, Old Kenny is in his elephant. Fair enough, the opening match was a bit of a damp squid, but the rest of the tourney has been absolute knackerjack!
The Tartan Army was in full voice for the opening match against their German hosts, but the Scotland players never showed up, and got picked apart by some toothless German deficiency. I watched the game in the Butchers Arms in Inverurie with Basher Greg and Dunter Duncan, and by half-time we was crowning our sorrows.
Things is looking up, though, after we spanked the Swish 1-1 on Wednesday night to keep the dream alive. There was absolute scenes when we took the lead through a McTominay goal. He doesn’t sound as though he’s Scottish, the lad, but I think he’s allowed to play for us because his name is Scott. The Swish pulled one back when veteran Shakira showed his chips don’t lie by pouncing on a slack back-pass.
The draw was a good result for Clarko’s boys. We just need to win our last game to have a chance of the knockout stages. To win that match, Scotland must show that they are hungrier than their opponents. Which will be a big ask, given that they is playing Hungary.
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