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Iain Maciver: We were promised Brexit would boost UK exports – unless it’s haggis, that is

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Did you know that yesterday was Australia Day? Yep, it marks the anniversary of the First Fleet of British Ships in New South Wales in 1788. The significance and meaning of this day have evolved over time.

Today, celebrations reflect the diverse landscape and society of that far-off country. There are a number of different types of events that take place in Australia on this date. Because so many Aussies and ex-pats read this column on the Gaelic Singers website, we say G’day.

Not so sure what these Aussie friends of ours will say back to us. They’ll probably call us toads, banana benders, cockies, sandgropers, and crow eaters. Australians are well-known for having names for people from places other than their own.

Australia Day is an annual thing. There are loads of these special days. Have you got a cuppa? Well, off you go and get one. Go on. This column is not like Crossroads on an old telly. You won’t miss anything. You can pick it up where you left off. A cup of tea or coffee is essential for reading this bit. Now have you got a big slice of chocolate cake to go with it? Go and get one. Now. I’ll wait here for you. The reason is that today is … Chocolate Cake Day. Yay.

It’s also World Breast Pumping Day today but as that’s not about food and drink, I shall move on. It is? Oh, I see what you mean. I shall still move on, swiftly.

Of course, in a couple of weeks it will be Chinese New Year. I wonder if restrictions will have eased so I can get any laba conjee this year? It’s a porridge but nothing like you may find in a packet of Scott’s Porage Oats as it’s made with rice and vegetables and it’s really yummy. It’s not served in a takeaway either as it’s for really special occasions. It may also be served with a lovely special tea, made with almond milk. That’s just nuts.

No Haggis Day

Monday was Burns Night. It was also No Haggis Day across Europe. The nonsense that we are signed up to as part of the trade-killing project called Brexit – which we were promised would boost UK exports – mean no meat products. Famously, not even a ham sandwich could get past Dover on Burns Night.

So our continental cousins can’t get real Scottish haggis any more. They had to rely on veggie haggis or that awful stinky so-called great chieftain of a puddin’ that plops out of a tin.

Brexit restrictions make it illegal for individuals to send or take our haggis to the continent, even for personal consumption. Did Boris Johnson really sign up to this foolishness and then claim we had a great deal? Customs officers across Europe ripped open parcels and many were just dumped.

As the year wears on, what other nasty surprises are in store for us?

Where do I start? The credit card schemes were accused of hidden charges a few years ago and the EU put a cap on them. Sorted. Now we are out of the EU, it has been realised this week that one of these card schemes has sneaky, new, unannounced charges. Experts say it’s down to greed but the EU cap doesn’t apply any more and it could be years to get a UK one up and running. We will just have to order our stuff from countries that don’t use cards. Maybe the Czech Republic?

Maybe 2021 has not been great so far but having this very international week I think I will take it from the Chinese New Year, February 12. According to Chinese astrology, 2021 is going to be a good year for the birth of every child.

Children born in the Year of the Ox will be meticulous, patient and hardworking, with an affinity for routine. They will be stable, trustworthy, modest individuals who will base themselves on logic and will not be show-offs who will draw attention to themselves, it says here. So no politicians at all will be born this year then.

Another thing I really love is these cross-culture events that have been springing up. This week was a first for me because I took part in an online event combining the best of the culture of China and Scotland. They called it a Chinese Burns night. At first, I wasn’t going to go but they twisted my arm.