Tanya Souter, local lifestyle guru
I da ken aboot youse, but I wisnae sure how tae respond tae the fact that non-essential shops reopened on Monday. There’s twa main problems that I can see. Firstly, I’ve nae money. And secondly, I am nae keen on the idea that if I touch onything in a shop ‘at means I hiv tae buy it.
I wis spikkin tae my pal Big Sonja aboot it. She’s coped remarkably weel wi’ the lockdoon, but then she’s got mair experience o’ three months in solitary confinement than onyb’dy else I ken.
She wis saying that she his a solution tae baith that issues, by simply nae pitting doon onything she’s hunnled. Instead, intae her foil-lined Sports Direct bug it gings. Plus, naebdy’s allowed within twa metres o’ her, including security guards, and wi’ her mandatory face mask she winna be identifiable on CCTV.
Mind you, I dinna think even Sonja will be ga’an tae Primark. Did ye see that photos o’ hunners o’ folk on Union Street a’ queueing up ootside at 5.30 in the morning? At’s just unasseptable behaviour, at.
I mean, I masel am nae stranger tae Cedarwood State couture, but I widnae drag masel ooota ma bed for it at that time. Nae unless they hid Tom Hardy and Cristiano Ronaldo on the tills.
I da care foo much yer needing new punts, there’s nae excuse for yon, unless your existing claes hiv fallen apart in the last three months – which, in fairness, is ayewiz a possibility wi’ Primark.
Still, at least it meant some folk were actually on Union Street. My youngest twa, Jayden and Tyler, wis telling me that it’s been affa quiet there lately.
They says that these days they hardly gi’e ony pedestrians a fleg fan they’re daein their wheelies doon the pavement. Of course, Union Street is unrecognisable of noo – and nae just because it’s full of pound shops and bookies.
A lot o’ it is closed tae traffic, and they’ve started pitting in a great load of wid a’ower the place. They cry them “pavement extensions” and they’ve got elevated benches, so fan ye get peched oot fae trailing up and down looking for somewye worth ga’an intae ye can hae a seat wi’ a lovely view o’ pound shops and bookies.
The cooncil says these are so we can “relax and enjoy the atmosphere of the city” files the wider pavements can “accommodate vibrant street life activities”.
Weel, I ken the sort o’ vibrant street activities Union Street used tae be full o’. I acted vibrantly masel mair nor eence, but I canna see how you could manage it wi’ oot breaking the twa-metre rule, ken fit I’m saying?
Onywye, Sonya went doon the toon last nicht wi’ her trailer (she hisnae got a car, she just hooks it tae the back o’ her yoga pants and pulls it like a Clydesdale, it’s like ga’an shopping wi’ the World’s Strongest Man) and noo she’s taking orders for gairden decking.
Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who Never Walks Ah-alone
Finally! After 30 years of chasing, for the first time ever Liverpool is English champions again.
They’ve been hung and dried for months, but when the Codona’s virus come along you couldn’t help wondering if they was going to have their picket pocked by the freckled finger of fate.
But it wasn’t not to be, and as soon as they says that English football was starting again, the fat lady was singing the writing on the wall and they clenched it with time to spare.
Their gaffer, Jurgen Klopp, is Liverpool dyed in the wood.
He is even named after the famous Klopp End at Anfield, so he must have been fizzing when his newly crowned champions played runners-up Man City on Thursday night and got hosed 4-0.
I hope he gave them a right rollicking, mainly to make sure his lads realise they can’t let their standards slip, but also so they keep the punting community satisfied.
Especially the folks what had stuck £20 on both teams to score, like me. Raging.
Now that there’s football on every night and the Formula 1 is starting up this weekend, it’s easy to think that the Codona’s virus is gone.
But, every now and then we gets a reminder that’s it’s still very much still around. Tennis leg end Novak Choccybix tested positron last week, and this week one of the Dons players tested positive as well.
My heart goes out to the lad. Apparently the rest of the squad is not needing to self-oscillate as a result of this test because the lads is training in small groups and social distancing is being observed.
It might sound odd that footballers is training two metres apart, but back when I was playing nobody ever came within two metres of me on the training ground if they could help it – in case I halfed them.
Which I would definitely have done.
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