Calendar An icon of a desk calendar. Cancel An icon of a circle with a diagonal line across. Caret An icon of a block arrow pointing to the right. Email An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of the Facebook "f" mark. Google An icon of the Google "G" mark. Linked In An icon of the Linked In "in" mark. Logout An icon representing logout. Profile An icon that resembles human head and shoulders. Telephone An icon of a traditional telephone receiver. Tick An icon of a tick mark. Is Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes. Is Not Public An icon of a human eye and eyelashes with a diagonal line through it. Pause Icon A two-lined pause icon for stopping interactions. Quote Mark A opening quote mark. Quote Mark A closing quote mark. Arrow An icon of an arrow. Folder An icon of a paper folder. Breaking An icon of an exclamation mark on a circular background. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Caret An icon of a caret arrow. Clock An icon of a clock face. Close An icon of the an X shape. Close Icon An icon used to represent where to interact to collapse or dismiss a component Comment An icon of a speech bubble. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Comments An icon of a speech bubble, denoting user comments. Ellipsis An icon of 3 horizontal dots. Envelope An icon of a paper envelope. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Camera An icon of a digital camera. Home An icon of a house. Instagram An icon of the Instagram logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. Magnifying Glass An icon of a magnifying glass. Search Icon A magnifying glass icon that is used to represent the function of searching. Menu An icon of 3 horizontal lines. Hamburger Menu Icon An icon used to represent a collapsed menu. Next An icon of an arrow pointing to the right. Notice An explanation mark centred inside a circle. Previous An icon of an arrow pointing to the left. Rating An icon of a star. Tag An icon of a tag. Twitter An icon of the Twitter logo. Video Camera An icon of a video camera shape. Speech Bubble Icon A icon displaying a speech bubble WhatsApp An icon of the WhatsApp logo. Information An icon of an information logo. Plus A mathematical 'plus' symbol. Duration An icon indicating Time. Success Tick An icon of a green tick. Success Tick Timeout An icon of a greyed out success tick. Loading Spinner An icon of a loading spinner. Facebook Messenger An icon of the facebook messenger app logo. Facebook An icon of a facebook f logo. Facebook Messenger An icon of the Twitter app logo. LinkedIn An icon of the LinkedIn logo. WhatsApp Messenger An icon of the Whatsapp messenger app logo. Email An icon of an mail envelope. Copy link A decentered black square over a white square.

‘You feel it dragging you back’; former Caley Thistle goalkeeper Dean Brill reflects on passing of Leyton Orient hero Justin Edinburgh and dealing with grief

Former Caley Thistle goalkeeper Dean Brill.
Former Caley Thistle goalkeeper Dean Brill.

Dean Brill has had a hard time processing the emotions of this year.

The high of winning a league title with Leyton Orient, securing their return to the Football League, was quickly shattered.

Justin Edinburgh, the man who had brought the players together, had been the central figure to their success, passed suddenly on June 3. He went into cardiac arrest and was hospitalised for five days before losing his life. The O’s had attained promotion less than six weeks earlier.

Former Caley Thistle goalkeeper Brill, skipper Jobi McAnuff and a select few others rallied together. Most of the squad was on holiday, spread across the world at the end of a exhausting season.

“The elation of winning the league puts you on cloud nine,” he said. “Then that is like a hammer-blow that knocks you off it. It’s unprecedented, you don’t know how to react.”

English football was in shock that a former Premier League footballer, still young and healthy at 49, had died. A club that endured its share of turmoil off the park had seemingly been steered into the right direction by an engaging, charismatic figurehead.

Justin Edinburgh passed away in the summer.

“We were hoping, as he was a young man and vibrant – we’d only been together the week before – that he would be fine,” said Brill. “When the news came, it was on my wedding anniversary. (His son) George was only a couple of months old and we were getting ready to go out for the first time without the kids. Then I got the call. There’s a severe shock and you think it’s not happening.

“There was probably a week where it hit me badly. It’s the same as any grief, where you have to move on as you have stuff to do. But you feel it dragging you back; you feel guilty for getting on with life.”

In adversity and unexpected traumatic circumstances, the players took solace in those closest to them. Brill, 34, has a young daughter in Rosie, who was born during his time in Inverness. His wife Rachel proved an invaluable ally in getting through the darkest of emotions.

“Justin created such a family club. My missus was in shock and because she was invested too, we were able to speak about it. At Christmas and Easter, he would bring advent calendars and Easter eggs to the game for the kids. To have Rachel feeling the same sort of things helped.

Tributes left outside Leyton Orient’s Brewer Group Stadium in east London following the death of their manager Justin Edinburgh.

“I have been lucky not to have suffered with any mental illness but grief hits you in different ways. There were a few times when I’d go for a run and have to stop myself; people can isolate themselves and it can be hard to be at one with your thoughts.

“Being around the boys helped. We had a conference call with the director of football to announce it – people were all over the world on holiday. The ones that were here went to the stadium to be together.

“We have a WhatsApp group and boys were putting messages in; ‘how’re you feeling?’, ‘I’m having a bad day’ and that was the biggest thing to help me.”

Life had to go on for those players and for the football club. Their return to League 2 has been patchy and inconsistent – they are six points above the relegation places – and Edinburgh’s replacement Carl Fletcher was sacked after just five games in charge.

Dean Brill played for Inverness between 2013 and 2016.

Ross Embleton is in caretaker charge and Brill, who is also on the club’s coaching staff, have had to regroup again.

“We’ve had a really indifferent start to the season. You can only think about what it would be like if we had the manager that got us all together as a group.

“I don’t think you can put a time limit on it (the grief). We still refer to Justin. Martin Ling, our director of football, talked about trying to live through his mantra. We do try to ask ourselves, when times get tough, what would he want us to do? If you can refer to that mindset of what he would expect, that’s positive.

“I think you have to get on with it – as long as you don’t forget what got us here.”